You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
