You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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