mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
