I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
