We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
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He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
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It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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