I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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