Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
