I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i will never coherently bang her
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
