I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I AM VODKA MAN
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
