I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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