I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
