He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
