I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My vagina is officially offended.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
