What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
