I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
