I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
