She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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