im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i love accidental penises.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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