I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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