I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
