it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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