I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
