It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
