my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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