so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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