And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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