I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
