I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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