mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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