you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
