seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
