just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
This baby is an asshole
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize