Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
