I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
