Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
