at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
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My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
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I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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