I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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