I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize
