Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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