So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
We got so high we made milksteak
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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