I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
They are going to name an STD after you.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
