The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
