Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
