Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
