I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
