She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
