its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
