Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
home. puking in laundry basket.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
