I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.