you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
