i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
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I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
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Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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