i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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