My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize