it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
