been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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