So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
