I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
