woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
you inspire me to be a worse person
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
