So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Randomize
