I met the friendliest cop last night
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
