woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
